The State of Muslim Marriages

I met a friend today who was uncertain as to her options as her husband has literally been badgering her for permission to take a second wife. He would alternate between showering her with gifts, promises of fidelity then followed by a litany of how dissatisfied he is with her and why he wants a second wife. They have been married for 25 years with four children and are both employed in a GLC. Upper-middle class Muslim couple who married for love while studying, came back with degrees and a young child to a recession and no jobs. They enrolled in the government scheme for unemployed graduates and became temporary teachers working for RM660 a month. Through hard work and grit (the wife sold artificial flower arrangements among other things), they managed to move from the temporary jobs and rooms in relatives’ homes to a comfortable home and settled down to follow the normal pattern of life for middle-aged Muslim couples; go for Haj, see their children through the various exams , then university and make the gradual climb up the corporate ladder; though more for the husband then the wife of course; saving money for their children’s weddings and eventual pension. In the meantime, attending the mosque, usrahs, ceramahs regularly will be part of their routine, after all that’s preparation for the afterlife. The only spanner in the works at this point in time is the husband’s insistence on taking a second wife as its his right to do so as a Muslim man.  The sad thing about this story is that it is an all too common occurence in many Muslim families in Malaysia today. Just take a circle of friends and acquaintances and note how many marriages have faced this problem just within one’s own circle. A good monogamous marriage may be slowly becoming an anomaly.

Between 1995 and 2004, government statistics show that 13,516 polygamous marriages took place  representing 1.4 percent of all Muslim marriages. Not only are these statistics outdated , many second and third marriages go unregistered plus the absence of a national database precludes the possibility coming up with an accurate number of polygamous marriages. While some Muslim men like to quote the argument of “extraordinary” men who have the capacity to take care of multiple families, I think it takes a truly extraordinary man to nurture and sustain  the spritual, emotional and financial well-being of one family.  Muslim men who would like to ‘avoid adultery’ and experience  the variety  of “a different dish” (common rationalizations for polygamy) would do well to consider the results of a pilot study conducted by Sisters In Islam where in 2005 involving 40 members of polygamous households revealed that some children suffer emotional problems as a direct consequence of the practice, causing them to take up alcohol and smoking. The 12 year old child of the family mentioned earlier currently suffers from crying jags and depression and has spoken to the school counselor about the friction between her parents due to her father’s request as a way to cope with her father’s need to be polygamous. 

The position of polygamy in Islam has been explained in various articles including one by Dr Sharifah Munirah Alatas http://www.muslimedia.com/archives/features98/polygamy.htm     Verse 4:129, which states, “You are never able to be fair and just as between women, even if it is your ardent desire,” recognizes the impossibility of men treating all their wives equally and justly, the basis for  countries like Tunisia outlawing polygamy. But many men like to refer instead to the verse which comes after “and so, do not allow yourselves to incline towards one to the exclusion of the other, leaving her in a state of having and not having a husband…” (al-Nisa, 4: 129) as a justification for polygamy as long as they strive to be fair.

 It is strange and hurtful for me to see Muslims falling over themselves to justify their right to hurt the women they love, whom they call wives, who bore their children and stayed with them through want and ease, by insisting on exercising their right to marry another woman, especially once their first wives have passed the bloom of youth and entering middle-age.  They conveniently forget the the Prophet (pbuh) married only after his first wife Siti Khadija died and insisted that his son-in-law Ali, should not take a second wife for that would hurt his daughter Fatima. This should be a clear indicator as to the Prophet’s true feelings about polygamy even though it is permitted in Islam.

Isn’t life whether you are a Muslim or not, lived for the pleasure of the One God, to be blessed and nourished in His love for us? If we hurt the ones we love in order to fulfil a selfish need, isn’t that going against our covenant with Him. Of course this line of argument would not hold water with those who are truly determined to fulfil their needs even to the point of saying that “this would help the widows, divorcees and orphans out there for there are more women than men in Malaysia, right?”. If that is so then why are the prime candidates for second and third wives , younger, financially independent or able and usually more beautiful? Rarely the middle-aged widows or divorcees in need of financial aid. Which leads us to the hypocrisy of that particular argument especially as my friend’s husband wants to marry “a childless divorcee” because he no longer wants children. The idea of milk bottles, diapers and pushing prams is no longer his cup of tea hence “childless”. So women who marry other people’s husbands must be prepared to sacrifice their own dreams of motherhood. Anyway one looks at it, women are definitely getting the short end of the stick.

 ”As the late Isma`il Ragi al-Faruqi had once said “scripture itself, as well as the example of the Prophet, are not authoritative unless the subject has himself found them so on their own intrinsic merits. Any Muslim doing otherwise would have achieved islam, but not iman (piety and wisdom), whereas Islamic excellence consists of an islam resulting from and following upon iman. In the former case, islam is intellectually passive; in the latter, it is an active search for ways and means of actualizing the truths grasped in iman. http://www.iol.ie/~afifi/BICNews/Afaiz/afaiz3.htm

Being Muslim should mean that we are able to look at the truths inherent in the teachings of the Holy Quran and the examples of the Prophet (pbuh) and internalise these truths in our daily lives and not subvert them to rationalise intrinsically selfish needs that can be achieved at the expense of wives and children. Surely there is more to being a Muslim man, father and husband than just providing material sustenance. And in the case of husbands in polygamous marriages or who have divorced their wives due to the need for multiple partners, even material sustenance is suspect and often obtained at the point of a smoking barrel in the form of court documents and rulings.

Muslim men must accept the reponsibility of being role models to their sons and daughters and true husbands to their wives. When children grow up disillusioned about their father, their first hero; it is a hard struggle for them to become mature, responsible adults who are not cynical about human relationships and are healthy not just in body, but mind and spirit. It takes a a remarkable woman to forgive the husband, accept the new woman and remain his wife in every sense of the word. But then that would be an extension of the ‘extraordinary man’ argument applied the other way round.

 When a wife consents to share her husband, a part of the love she feels for him will be lost forever, for only then will sharing be possible. Just ask any man whose wife has been unfaithful to him and ask whether he would still want her while she maintains a relationship with another man. Or would he want to kill the lover and put him in a septic tank instead? Since when does the need for exclusivity  in a relationship only apply to men? Since when was kindness to one’s wife an unneccessary feature for a husband? Why don’t men realise that asking for permission for a second or subsequent wife negates all that they have shared together and renders the wife valueless?

Polygamy is not the choice of a Thinking Muslim man.

13 May Revisited

  

In the rarefied air and balmy breezes off the

island of
Borneo, it’s hard to think about or write about politics, education or religion. Even though the previous week was filled with serious discussions and hard work, this weekend seems particularly lazy especially as the noonday heat is deceptively gentle from the shade of the balcony and the bird calls more of a reminder that KL is far away. The white stretches of sand mark the beaches of the not-so-far-away islands and the muted engines of speedboats and motorboats hum in the air as tourists are carried across the azure waters to the small islands , close enough to the resort for me to see the distinctive canopy of one tree on a slope – like a bird perched on a hill, looking out protectively over the island, its back to the sea. 

Malaysia can be stunningly beautiful. We are so lucky yet do we value what we have? It’s the eve of 13^th May and I’m surrounded by tourists both local and foreign who have no idea of the significance of that date in Malaysian history. My grown-up children, one who is engrossed in the NBA playoffs, are included in the generations of Malaysians who have no inkling of what it was like thirty-eight years ago, when the fuse blew on the bomb of racial tensions that had been ticking especially after the elections of 1969. 

I was seven years old when I first heard the word “curfew” for the first time and my mother told me my father won’t be coming home from his office in KL because of it. I didn’t realise until later what that meant. We were a young Malay family living in the middle of a sea of Chinese neighbours in SEA Park during the darkest period of Malaysian history. In KL that day, mobs of Malays and Chinese were killing each other. My father had bought a cheap single-storey terrace house in the area as the house faced the junction and was considered not “ong” or lucky.  

My cousin and her son were in a cinema in downtown KL when the riots broke out. They ran into a shop as people were dragged out by mobs. They lived through that night because the Chinese shopkeeper hid them behind his counter when the mob came looking for Malays. They in turn protected the Chinese taxi driver who drove them out of KL from the Malay mob. A young Malay girl swallowed her fear and accompanied her Chinese friend the morning after to the morgue. Her friend’s brother didn’t make it home that night. They found him there. That night, while there were mobs roving the streets, harming those based on their ethnicity, there were others who saved fellow Malaysians regardless of their ethnicity. 

Interracial couples bore the brunt of the mobs’ rage that night. Horrific stories about what happened to them emerged only to quietly sink into the murky pool of best-forgotten incidents. Much of what happened in KL that night remains as stories shared in hushed voices among survivors of a traumatic event – not to be printed even much less discussed openly for fear of opening old wounds or have new ones erupt. So we practice a “see no evil, say no evil, hear no evil” policy when it comes to this dark period. Young Malaysians are only presented a ‘bogey man’ view of 13^th May as is convenient to roll out now and again amid exhortations for racial integration and to reinforce the importance of conformity. 

My father came home when the curfew was lifted. Although we ran out of rice and the shops were closed, our neighbours gave us both rice, sugar and most valuable of all – their protection and kindness. So I guess living there was lucky after all. 

I remember going to school in the aftermath of  13^th May, singing Negaraku , watching the flag go up during assembly and seeing the serious faces of the teachers and older students – wondering whether the grownups of that time knew what they were doing. My father spoke of his friends – those who died in the street that night  and those who lived, of leaders who fell from grace and new ones who rose to the occasion. There was a collective, unspoken horror at the depths Malaysians descended to as well as awe at the heroism and courage true Malaysians displayed. It was a testament to the professionalism and speed of the security forces and hard decisions made by the authorities  that the riots did not spread to all states or last longer.  

We could have been bitter and revengeful – instead we made a conscious choice to do the opposite or did we? The National Economic Policy and Barisan Nasional rose from the ashes of the flames that burnt that day. Muhibbah was the rallying cry for racial integration but at the same time formalised affirmative action helped provide the push for the development of the educated Malay middle class and Malay entrepeneurs today. It was hoped that these measures would balance the country’s population, spread the economic pie more evenly and even eradicate poverty. A tall order indeed. 

I benefited from those policies, defended them to talented non-Malay students who watched as others less talented receive scholarships, breathed a sigh of relief as meritocracy came into the equation and now my children compete with others based on their own merit and the depth of their father’s pocket. And
Malaysia fifty years on is an even playing field for all races? That was the intention of those policies.  

So, have we come up to the mark? Those heroes and victims who died that night believed that
Malaysia was a country worth living and dying for. What do we believe? Have our politicians and entrepeneurs forgotten what
Malaysia is all about in this race towards developed nation status by so busily ensuring their own status?  Is quality in education, health care and local services merely lip service? Is racial integration and religious tolerance merely rhetoric – sounds good on paper but let’s not see it in action? Must we still base our judgement, our decisions, our identities, our alliances on race and religion in a multi-ethnic, multi-religious society that is
Malaysia? Do we dare to change or must we wait for another fifty years or worse still, another 13^th May. 

I have mixed ancestry – Sumatran Malay with a touch of Chinese and Burmese blood somewhere in the mix. My children are one quarter Chinese as is my best friend (and they look it too). I have Chinese and Indian neighbours whom I’ve lived next to the past fifteen years in a multi-racial neighbourhood. I have Chinese friends I’m close to as well as Malay and non-Malay co-workers I respect greatly. I’m seriously considering an inter-racial relationship and hail from a predominantly Malay state and a traditional and conservative Muslim family (Yes, I know, I’m heading for trouble!)   I speak and write in both Malay and English. My daughter is learning Chinese and Malaysian law. I love P. Ramlee, Sudirman and Yasmin Ahmad’s movies as well as the latest
Hollywood blockbusters. Am I a typical Malaysian? Is any Malaysian today typical of a specific race or religion? Or are we on the whole “mongrels” – a mixed breed in terms of ancestry and social interactions?  

As long as we continue to make decisions and take actions based upon the privilege due to ethnic background, the bogey man of 13 May will continue to hover in the background. Turning one’s back on the need for concrete measures for racial integration, religious tolerance and equitable treatment does not not negate the urgency for such measures.   

If another race riot were to erupt tomorrow, how will the mobs differentiate between my children and I? By appearance, by identity or it wouldn’t matter as long blood is spilt in the name of ethnic pride? If ever it comes down to this, then it would have all been to no avail. We would have learnt nothing from the darkest period of our history. Rationalizing our actions right down to the last body for it is so difficult to change, to risk losing our status, our power. So if you are a minority , it may be better to leave
Malaysia now for greener pastures than continue fighting for tolerance, understanding and harmony among races. If you are a ‘bumi’ ,  reconsider current thinking  on ’sensitive’ issues related to race, special privileges and religion for if we continue the policies of the three monkeys or insisting on putting our foot down as a majority, things may come to pass in a manner most unpleasant. But that’s only my opnion. As for me, I will slog on in my own small way for a better
Malaysia and Malaysians.

Of ‘True’, Semi and Should-be Muslims

Being a mother of four children, a practicing born Muslim and a Malay, the case of Revathi or Siti Fatimah just strikes me as a symptom that something is drastically wrong in how Islam is understood in
Malaysia today. While Islam preaches tolerance and no compulsion, authorities gave approval for families to be separated and for bodies to be reclaimed in the name of Islam. There is a toddler out there who misses her parents and will not understand why she was taken away. In the case of the husband who converted to Islam, the non-Muslim mother may lose custody of both her children, a three-year old and a two-year old, if their custody is decided by a Syariah court., even though she is not a Muslim.  The authorities advocating these actions seem to be ignorant of the Prophet Muhammad’s stand on tolerance  (/www.islamreligion.com/category/73/) and non-Muslim rights as stated clearly in his Saying :   “Beware!  Whoever is cruel and hard on a non-Muslim minority, or curtails their rights, or burdens them with more than they can bear, or takes anything from them against their free will; I (Prophet Muhammad) will complain against the person on the Day of Judgment.” (Abu Dawud) 

Issues involving a hint of apostasy and religion are latched on as a hero-making device for the self-righteous everywhere. After all, solving it is easier and more sensational than a critical review of the Islamic Religious Education curriculum being taught in schools which piles on rules, rituals and exhortation at the expense of understanding and internalisation. Now, sending a Should-Be Muslim into a rehabilitation centre, that currency, in this world and the Hereafter, right? Support from Muslims whether urban or rural, educated or uneducated can definitely be counted on, unless of course, one is a liberal Muslim. They should be discounted after all they are can be categorized as Semi-Muslims who seem to pick and choose which part of Islam they are willing to practice and dare to to question Islamic practices of polygamy and wearing the veil.  The liberal sounding Mufti of Perlis should not be really taken seriously, after all he seems to have political affiliations. (Of course, we must keep a lookout for Straying Muslims even if infringes on their privacy, so what if Caliph Umar was reprimanded for doing so and he humbly admitted his mistake, we are better Muslims??)   The ‘True’ Muslim, the born, practicing Muslim on the other hand are of course conservative and practice the Islamic Way of Life. They would never question such key practices as polygamy, the veil, women’s chastity and the necessity of an Islamic State. After all, a multi-religious approach towards managing social ills would never be as effective as an Islamic approach to anything ( never mind that Muslims were exhorted to search for knowledge wherever it can be found even as far as China – ironic that it still hold true till today !) Those Should-Be Muslims are an affront to their sensibilities and must be brought back to the Right Path. Their blinkered view seems to prevent them from considering the treatment of apostates in other Muslim communities as the Malaysian way is undoubtedly correct – we are not talking about effectiveness only correctness. 

If what happened to Revathi was reversed i.e Siti Fatimah was brought up as Muslim but was asked to convert to another religion to marry and then separated from her husband and child to relearn the teachings of another religion – well, that’s another Natrah case in the making (http://ms.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natrah).  The irony of the ‘true’ Muslim is that they too select which parts of Islamic thought and teachings of Muhammad that they want to adhere to and internalize. That in my book also makes them Semi-Muslims though I’m sure many would object most vociferously. What if the non-Muslim parents who gave their children up for adoption to Muslim families now want to claim them and their grandchildren and make them convert? What will we do then? Go to court? Hide them? Or just shrug our shoulders and say, “They can’t do anything, they have no power – no court, no authority in
Malaysia will send a Muslim adult and her child back to a non-Muslim family”. 

Therein lies the rub. How is it we can do unto others what we would never allow onto ourselves? A continuing double standard will erode public faith in our systems and may encourage more and more religious spats which may result in an atmosphere of deep suspicion and paranoia among Muslims and non-Muslims. Hardly the best way to foster unity and integration on the 50^th  year of
Malaysia’s independence. Muslims must stop this constant need to look outwards as  to why there are people leaving Islam, but to look inside critically at that is done to help themselves as Muslims and their non-Muslim brethren understand what Islam is truly all about – its Spirit, not only its rituals. In truth, no one wants to be judged how religious or unreligious they are for that in truth is between the person and his God. So what makes a True Muslim? Perhaps he or she is someone who believes that funeral rites of whatever religion, would not part a soul from His Maker. How a soul is received by His Maker, depends on what sort of person he was like in his lifetime, not whether he was buried or cremated. For God is All-Forgiving, All-Knowing and All-Compassionate… Or someone who believes that living in harmony with their fellow man is more important than “whose religion is better?” arguments… Maybe someone who internalizes the meaning of  “Bismillahirahmannirahim – In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful” and translate that in how they live their life, how they raise their families, carry out their responsibilities and interact harmoniously with their fellow man and environment. Would that be a “True’ Muslim? 

Let us listen to voices of reason among us and step back from the pulpit of emotionalism and tunnel vision to a common platform of tolerance, mutual understanding and respect. A deeper knowledge of what each other’s beliefs and a stand to stop using religion as an instrument of control and conformity. Arrogance and religions do not mix well and should be mutually exclusive. Look and learn from Muslim minorities and majorities all over the world.  Let us stop chasing and judging and start working and learning from each other – the True, the Semi, the Should-Be and the Non! Better still, throw away the labels and see each other as people with hopes, fears, loves and beliefs..