Mothers aren’t the most comfortable of people to be around. Somehow, they have this gift of seeing right through carefully prepared reasons/rationale / justifications that we have for not doing or doing something important in our lives.
A sharp glance, a piercing look that says “You’ve got to be joking! That won’t wash with me after all I gave birth to you and with that came this God-given gift of cutting through the nonsense /half-truths /lame excuses that you are dishing out to me” .
We gird our loins in preparation; sift through possible cracks in our story and tell ourselves firmly that we are not going to say anything about that topic –- after all we are adults and should be able to handle our problems at school/university/work/relationships with boyfriend /husband/ son/daughter - only to find when we are face to face with her, that all that was for naught and we end up admitting to our insecurities and fears – carefully-built defences in tatters.
Through the extra salt they have partaken, their wisdom allows us to clarify our thoughts, shed our defence mechanisms and painfully admit the truth to ourselves, which may be any one of the following:
“ It is my fear of failure that holds me back from trying and for shooting myself in the foot”
“ There is no future in that relationship and I hate it that she was right!”
“ I should have been at home more and paid attention to what he/she was doing”
“ It is my fault for procrastinating starting the project/studying for the exam/sending in that application and now its too late”
The most painful truth of all :” I have no one else to blame (however much I want to – after searching desperately high and low for a convenient scapegoat) but MYSELF for this situation”
At the same time, mothers go around with pins that deflate our balloons of pseudo-confidence. Just when you thought it was safe to step out of your shell and into the world with style, ‘pop’ goes one of our balloons ..Just a simple remark from the mother of a news reader “ that suit was the wrong colour for you” would be enough for you to cringe, “ I must have looked awful”, however professional you may have sounded and looked to the multitude of viewers – after all, your mother’s opinion was what matters most. Perhaps not to all well-adjusted professionals out there who have learnt to take their mother’s opinions with more than a pinch of salt!
Conversely, there are mothers out there who shore up their children’s confidence in their abilities however unrealistically (judging from the horrific auditions for singing competitions in the US and good old Malaysia). Perhaps, their lack of judgement of their children’s true ability are clouded by unfulfilled dreams and wishful thinking of the indiscriminating taste of the voting audience. Thankfully, there are level-headed mothers out there who know when to push, when to hold back, when to hug, when to praise and when keep the pin behind their back, even though the temptation may be great.
I don’t know how good a mother I am, no, that’s not exactly true – I’m a great cheerleader for my children’s achievements, to the point of embarrassing them sometimes. But when they do not do their best, I do find it hard to hide my disappointment and that maybe that makes me a bad mother.My children think my disappointment stem from the high expectations I have of them – which at certain times they are unable to fulfil . When they don’t seem to realize is that as a mother, it hurts to see your children face the painful reality of life whether it is weaker grades than they had hoped for, missed project deadlines, annoyed lecturers/teachers, errant fathers, selfish girlfriends, jealous boyfriends and worse of all, an uncertain future – anything in fact that causes them to be unhappy.
I feel their hurt, confusion and pain and want so much to make it better. They are too old for me to kiss the hurt away and hug and rock them till they stop crying. They are almost adults – or perhaps it is because they are old enough to deal with all this on their own that my pain is greater. It isn’t because I don’t feel needed – it is because they have to come to this realisation by themselves . In order to become an adult and participate in life – they have to do it on their own. And I have to let go.
To all the mothers out there, my comrade in arms, let us take comfort from the fact that our children did after all learn the basics from us – to the best of their abilities. Where they go from that point – we cannot follow. What we can do is make the hard decisions when they falter – to tell them the truth and help them face themselves and support them with love and belief in their abilities. Pray that they will learn from the hard knocks in life as well as not take for granted the blessings they experience every day. The greatest favour a mother can do for her child is to look them in the eye and unflinchingly tell them what they need to know in order to take the next step. Sometimes, it’s the truth, sometimes it is not. O for the wisdom to know the difference , to say it the right way or to just be there for them.
26 March 2007
