Dear John,

I was at first inclined to answer your comments on each point raised from your views that the Malays stole Malaysia from the Orang Asli and that Islam is ’fascist’ among other things. But considering that some of the comments made were offensive and provocative, I thought a generic approach would be more constructive. First of all, I’m Pro-Malaysia. Who I vote for in whatever circumstances, is something I feel is unneccessary  to advertise. The fact that you asked about both my religious and political beliefs tells me that I have succeeded in presenting  my views objectively enough to preclude identifiable political and religious beliefs. Too many decisions have been made and opinions given that were so obviously colored that the facts of the matter were effectively obscured.

Fact of the matter is that whether we can turn back time or not, we have to admit the reality that Malaysia is a multi-racial country. This means that at no time in the near future, is Malaysia likely to become a Islamic nation governed by the Syariah Law. We are not going to convert all non-Muslims to Islam and neither are all Muslims going to become apostates.  At the same time,   actions taken in the name of Islam (like looking for lovers in all the wrong places for a living) or hijacking the deceased in order to bury them the Muslim way (just in case they became Muslims at the last minute) , which may seem misguided to some and righteous to others – should not be equated with Islam the religion – just as the Inquisition should not be equated to Christianity and the continued oppression of the Palestinians  to Judaism.

Throughout the history of man terrible things have been committed  and continue to be committed in the name of religion be it Judaism, Christianity , Islam or other religions. We have to remain objective and separate the religion from the actions. Our spiritual health depends on it, for venom and contempt for others corrodes our faith.

Malaysians have to learn to live and work together whether they like it or not. Some may choose to be in racially distinct enclaves in terms of  where they live, work and study. Choose friends of their own race and socialise within their circle and avoid close contact or intimacy with the ‘others’. Look around us and see how many have succeeded in doing so and lived perfectly content lives.  But in doing so, all of us actually lose out on a much richer life experience  plus we continue to perpetuate racial polarisation, through lack of knowledge and understanding. 

No policy is going to integrate and unite Malaysians, however glamorous the campaigns and spokepersons -   unless and until we stop looking at each other as of different races but rather as just people who want the same things – a decent living, food, shelter, happiness, health , safety and a future for their children. And oh, courtesy for fellow Malaysians and fellow man, among others.

Entertainment, Malaysian Style

The sensational always seems to be part of what makes people buy papers, watch talkshows and exchange comments over teh tarik and nasi lemak. Recently, the controversy of a ‘blasphemous’ remark resulted in a Malay comedienne being ‘gummed’ and the ‘offensive’ lyrics of a song “Papa Jahat” being changed to me were prime examples of sensationalism affecting judgement.

Preventing someone from earning a living as chastisement for a silly remark is spiteful, in my opinion. While it was unwise for her to seemingly equate herself with the Prophet’s wife, (after all the only similarity was that of age and younger men – how dare she..), it hardly merits shutting her out of performing in one television station and effectively discouraging others to employ her. Artistes in Malaysia have a notoriously short shelf life except for a select, lucky few. It is cavalier to say’ its only for one year’ when one has a fixed income to someone who doesn’t.

Another example of hypocrisy to me is the unreasonably sensitive reaction to the lyrics of “Papa Jahat” where a child says that to a father who is unfaithful to the mother. Why so defensive? There is a Malay saying ” siapa makan cili, rasalah pedasnya!” (those who eat chillies, will have to accept that chillies are hot, for goodness sake!). There must be many men out there, including the sanctimonious ones who go around censoring lyrics of Malay songs yet remain blissfully ignorant of lyrics of English songs (” My Humps”, “Smack That” and a host of other hip-hop sexist , suggestive and demeaning to women song lyrics), who feel that they must defend their honour of their sex in this way.

This must be the Malaysian way – to penalise artistes who say their piece – not conforming to what is ‘acceptable’ in terms of the facade of Malaysian life and culture. Never mind that there are rich and successful men who discarded their wives to marry women half their age – May and December relationships are only acceptable – even milked for their media value if it’s older male and much younger female – not the other way round please, we’re Malaysian. Intelligent lyrics that remind men to better husbands and responsible father cum role models aren’t acceptable because Malay men in Malaysia are good husbands and great role models for their children. Let us not mention the ever increasing divorce rate among the Malays, recent tragedies involving children whose father was seemingly unfaithful or the many cases pending in Syariah Courts of errant fathers who do not support their children once they divorce or marry another.

As responsible Malaysians, we need to look beyond the obvious and superficial. We have the depth of character and the spiritual power as a nation to tackle the underlying problems that come from applying hypocrisy as policy. We should stop sensationalising the superficial and set our priorities straight. ‘Gum’ the producers of the talkshow, reprimand the over-enthusuastic and insensitive  hosts – have responsible programming and proper guidelines and policies for such shows. Proactive not reactive decision-making.  Compassion not condemnation, please for we are Malaysians.. We can think for ourselves and not have our opinions set out for us.

Mothers

Mothers aren’t the most comfortable of people to be around. Somehow, they have this gift of seeing right through carefully prepared reasons/rationale / justifications that we have for not doing or doing something important in our lives.

 A sharp glance, a piercing look that says “You’ve got to be joking! That won’t wash with me after all I gave birth to you and with that came this God-given  gift of cutting through the nonsense /half-truths /lame excuses that you are dishing out to me” .

We gird our loins in preparation; sift through possible cracks in our story and tell ourselves firmly that we are not going to say anything about that topic –-  after all we are adults and should be able to handle our problems at school/university/work/relationships with boyfriend /husband/ son/daughter -  only to find when we are face to face with her, that all that was for naught and we end up admitting to our insecurities and fears – carefully-built defences in tatters.

Through the extra salt they have partaken, their wisdom allows us to clarify our thoughts, shed our defence mechanisms and painfully admit the truth to ourselves, which may be any one of the following:

“ It is my fear of failure that holds me back from trying and for shooting myself in the foot”

“ There is no future in that relationship and I hate it that she was right!”

“ I should have been at home more and paid attention to what he/she was doing”

“ It is my fault for procrastinating starting the project/studying for the exam/sending in that application and now its too late”

The most painful truth of all :” I have no one else to blame (however much I want to – after searching desperately high and low for a convenient scapegoat) but MYSELF for this situation”

At the same time, mothers go around with pins that deflate our balloons of  pseudo-confidence. Just when you thought it was safe to step out of your shell and into the world with style,  ‘pop’ goes one of our balloons ..Just a simple remark from the mother of a news reader “ that suit was the wrong colour for you” would be enough for you to cringe, “ I must have looked awful”, however professional you may have sounded and looked to the multitude of viewers – after all, your mother’s opinion was what matters most. Perhaps not to all well-adjusted professionals out there who have learnt to take their mother’s opinions with more than a pinch of salt!

Conversely, there are mothers out there who shore up their children’s confidence in their abilities however unrealistically (judging from the horrific auditions for singing competitions in the US and good old Malaysia). Perhaps, their lack of judgement of their children’s true ability are clouded by unfulfilled dreams and wishful thinking of the indiscriminating taste of the voting audience. Thankfully, there are level-headed mothers out there who know when to push, when to hold back, when to hug, when to praise and when keep the pin behind their back, even though the temptation may be great.   

I don’t know how good a mother I am, no, that’s not exactly true – I’m a great cheerleader for my children’s achievements, to the point of embarrassing them sometimes. But when they do not do their best, I do find it hard to hide my disappointment and that maybe that makes me a bad mother.My children think my disappointment stem from the high expectations I have of them – which at certain times they are unable to fulfil . When they don’t seem to realize is that as a mother, it hurts to see your children face the painful reality of life whether it is weaker grades than they had hoped for, missed project deadlines, annoyed lecturers/teachers, errant fathers, selfish girlfriends, jealous boyfriends and worse of all, an uncertain future – anything in fact that causes them to be unhappy.

I feel their hurt, confusion and pain and want so much to make it better. They are too old for me to kiss the hurt away and hug and rock them till they stop crying. They are almost adults – or perhaps it is because they are old enough to deal with all this on their own that my pain is greater. It isn’t because I don’t feel needed – it is because they have to come to this realisation by themselves . In order to become an adult and participate in life – they have to do it on their own. And I have to let go.

To all the mothers out there, my comrade in arms, let us take comfort from the fact that our children did after all learn the basics from us – to the best of their abilities. Where they go from that point – we cannot follow. What we can do is make the hard decisions when they falter – to tell them the truth and help them face themselves and support them with love and belief in their abilities. Pray that they will learn from the hard knocks in life as well as not take for granted the blessings they experience every day. The greatest favour a mother can do for her child is to look them in the eye and unflinchingly tell them what they need to know in order to take the next step. Sometimes, it’s the truth, sometimes it is not. O for the wisdom to know the difference , to say it the right way or to just be there for them.

26 March 2007